Essay

Amidst the Brokenness

by Elena

Today, I am angry.

I am angry at my loads of unfolded laundry. My procrastination laid out in various colors and sizes. I am angry at the swarm of fruit flies thatrefuse to evacuate my kitchen. I’d rather use my energy elsewhere than clean the dishes. I am angry that I haven’t made my boys healthy snacks like I promised myself I would months ago. The layer of dust on the stack of recipes seem to mock me. I am angry at the bathroom scale who is like a junior high girl, posing as my best friend while betraying my deep secrets. I am angry that I am an impatient mother. I just want to accomplish something today.

But I am also angry that family can be the most hurtful at times. Even with ones so dear, we can be thoughtless. I am angry that someone who woke up yesterday, did not wake up today. Lives from every side are taken in the wars fought across the seas. Many have been wounded and killed in the explosions in Texas. There are senseless shootings in schools and unanswered question about the bombs on the Boston street. There are threats of nuclear weapons in the city of my childhood.

Today, I am angry because we live in a broken world.

On days like this, I stand face to face with my helplessness, the helplessness that reveals my absolute inability to control. Maybe that’s what anger is rooted in, what makes God’s anger just. I don’t have the ability to control but God does, creating order out of chaos, making the sun to set and the moon to rise.

And we live by the air God gives us.

Job is one my favorite books of the Bible because of chapter 38. After all the pain and loss Job experienced, he was angry. God heard his cries and responded with a series of questions:

Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? Tell me if you understand…Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its

place?…What is the way to place where the lightening is dispersed, or the place where the east winds are scattered over the earth?…

Can you loosen Orion’s belt? Can you bring forth the constellations in their seasons or lead the Bear with its cubs?…

Do you send the lightening bolts on their way? Do they report to you, ‘Here we are’?

Job’s answer: I am unworthy.

Knowing that creation moves despite my existence, that God put the world’s constellations in motion can be a great comfort. Instead of feeling guilty about my anger at the world’s and my own brokenness, I long to harness that anger for good and find rest in God’s control instead of my lack of it.

But unlike Job, we don’t always get back what we lose. Lives aren’t resurrected in our world. Images will not be removed from our consciousness. Tonight, I will go to bed angry.

Maybe tomorrow I can be a little more at peace.

Elena on hammockElena enjoys antiques, old wood and anything colorful.  She also loves good food. She and her husband live in Texas where they raise their two boys.  In her spare time, she sings, crafts, bakes and builds forts.  She blogs at andlastlyelena.wordpress.com.

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